What has been your best moment with WHOA?

This is a question that was asked during my retreat this weekend. I’ve only known WHOA for a short 18 months, but the memories I’ve made are unimaginable. To pick just one moment as the “best” is tougher than you’d think. I had to sit on this one for a while…

The easy answer would be one of my successful summits. Would it be when I summited Kili? When I stood on top of the roof of Africa and celebrated my first major summit. A defining moment that was the result of me doing the unthinkable (at the time) and signing up to hike one of the seven summits with a bunch of random women. Or would it be when I summited Elbrus? The sweet success after a failed attempt and the result of hours spent in white out conditions and blistering winds.

One moment was my ultimate test of courage, a feat that pushed me ridiculously far beyond my comfort zone. The other moment was my ultimate test of strength. The result of me pushing myself to my physical limit, persisting on despite burning lungs and muscles and questionable frostbitten fingers and toes. Both were extremely glorious, but I felt like it was a cop out answer. Neither moment felt worthy enough to be deemed the “best.” Sure I still get teary eyed looking at the video of me stepping foot on top of Elbrus, and I can’t help but smile when looking at my Kili summit photo, but those two moments weren’t everything.

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This may seem silly, but my favorite moment, the moment that gives me all the feels was when I was sitting in a chair lift going up Elbrus again. This moment was shared with Taylor, Isabel, Shannon and our guide who we had just met, Alex. I’m sure they had no idea how significant that moment was to me, because I didn’t even know it at the time.

To give you some background, it was only 24 hours earlier that Taylor, Isabel, Shannon, and I were sitting in our ski barrel at Elbrus basecamp holding back tears. We had just returned after throwing in the towel for our summit attempt. The weather was terrible! Thunder and white out conditions at high altitude were epic, but it wasn’t a scenario I imagined myself in during my first dabble with mountaineering. That on top of frozen glasses and ski goggles lowered my confidence to safely ascend and descend this mountain quickly as weather continued to take a turn for the worse. I knew it wasn’t my mountain to climb that day and the other ladies felt the same too. We all had our reasons for not continuing up the mountain, but as it slowly set in that we missed our chance to summit, we all began feeling like we had made a mistake in not pushing onward.

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We were all frustrated at the situation but mostly frustrated with ourselves. We literally spent every minute of our time in the barrels wallowing in our failure. It was far from pretty! It wasn’t until Marisa’s return, the only roommate from our cabin who continued to the summit, for us to finally snap out of it. We couldn’t help but be ecstatic that she summited. We gave her plenty of hugs and congrats, cracked jokes about her craziness at 17k feet, and celebrated her success. When we stopped being so negative, that’s when we seriously considered the idea of skipping our two rest days and reattempting a summit.

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During lunch we asked our guides if this was a possibility and he just smirked and told us all the things that would have to line up to make this possible. Unsure what this really meant for us, we just packed up with the rest of the group and headed down the mountain to return to the hotel. TIS and I waited anxiously for dinner to get an update from our guides and find out if we would get another chance. 

We wanted to ask our guides immediately but forced ourselves to be patient to let them enjoy their dinner first. It felt like an eternity! As soon as it seemed like a good time to talk business, we sat down together to sort out everything that was needed to make a reattempt possible. We figured out expenses and made our to-do list. In town, we’d have to get the money together, rent parkas due to colder and windier conditions and most importantly find a guide. This doesn’t include all the logistics once we’re actually ON the mountain.

Unfortunately our original guides weren’t able to take us up the mountain again, because they had to stay in town with the group and also needed to rest up for another trip in a few days. They reached out to their community of friends and we sat around hoping they would find a guide for us overnight. The likelihood was slim so we tried our best not to get our hopes up. Luckily it was only 30 min or so before we got the news… With practically a few hours notice, Alex agreed to guide us up Elbrus!

So the next morning we picked through our own gear and the gear of the other ladies to get the best of the best, repacked, made 15+ withdrawals from the only ATM in town, and rented parkas. We said our goodbyes to the group and were taken aback by their immense amount of love and support. We actually didn’t want other people to know about our return to the mountain, because we didn’t want any added pressure of summiting, but word spreads fast! Soon we were receiving well wishes from friends all over the world (thanks to WHOA!). But before we knew it, we were making our way up the mountain again. Which brings me to that moment…

I didn’t have any specific thoughts going up that lift, but I had such an overload of emotions. There was the joy and relief of being given a second chance. We somehow pulled it off! It’s a rare situation to be able to reattempt one of the seven summits with such ease. Initially we weren’t sure how long we’d have to wait for decent weather and a guide. If it was necessary, we were prepared to stay in town while the group returned to the States, which meant finding a 4 hour shuttle to the airport and rebooking the 2-3 return flights. We were even prepared to redo the entire ~30 hour journey to get back to Mineralnye Vody to try Elbrus again the following year! Thankfully, none of that would be necessary! We had a decent weather window that fit perfectly with the free days that were already planned. We were so happy and grateful!

At the same time, the feelings of frustration and failure from the day before were still so fresh, and this in turn only lead to anxiety and fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of shitty conditions again. Fear of failure. How bad would it suck to fail twice?!? On top of that, we still had a lot to sort out on the mountain. It was stressful to not have a clear set plan yet. We knew we had to get everything figured out ASAP to squeeze in as much rest as possible before an alpine start. Those moments on the lift felt like the calm before the storm. It felt like we were going into battle… We didn’t know exactly what was ahead, but we had an idea and knew it was going to be grueling. 

We also knew it was an all or nothing situation. We either all make it to the top or none of us do. We had briefly discussed the what ifs the night before, but the conversation was very short lived. There was no way we could predict the endless unknowns and the potential setbacks, but there also wasn’t much that needed to be discussed. There would be situations where we lean on each other to push each other up the mountain, and there would be situations where we lean on each other to accept that it’s okay to come down the mountain. I knew we were all on same page. Given any circumstance these girls would know what type of situation it was and how we would need to proceed. We were all equally strong, equally capable and equally committed. We all wanted this so badly! As a result, I didn’t worry about being the slowest one or being the reason we turned around. We were going to make it to the top regardless of how long it took, and the only reason we wouldn’t is if safety was an issue. I trusted their judgement and essentially trusted them with my life. I had faith that we would all know what to do in an unexpected situation. We were all going to make it or none of us would, and whatever happens we’d all be okay with it.

For anyone who has ever hiked as a group, I’m sure you can understand how important this is. Especially at this altitude, it’s no woman left behind. And if you’re the reason why everyone turns back, you’re already beating yourself up enough. Having the group be upset at you is the last thing you need. This was never going to be an issue between us.

There was mutual trust between all of us that we were in this together. I can’t say I felt more prepared this time around, because that definitely wasn’t the case. I did feel more confident though. I was ready to take on whatever came our way simply because I was with them. And with all the emotions that were felt and floating around, its safe to say we were all supported by each other. The pressure, the fear, the anxiety- all these feelings were shared. We acknowledged it’s presence, but despite having this burden, the mood was never dampened. On the outside there was nothing but positive vibes. That’s the effect these ladies had.

The crazy thing is I had just met Taylor and Isabel a year ago on Kilimanjaro, and I had just met Shannon a week ago when I landed at the airport. And here these ladies were, by my side about to take on Elbrus again. They were 110% there physically, mentally and emotionally during a time when all three aspects of my well being were completely destroyed by this mountain. We shared our ugly self pity moment in those barrels, but soon enough we lifted each other up and made this second attempt possible. And here we were again just 24 hours later, all in, together at the mercy of Elbrus again.

So that was my best moment. The moment where I realized how vulnerable we are to Mother Nature and accepted that a failed attempt was partly out of respect for her. The moment where I embraced fully being at the mercy of her again. Mostly, the moment where I understood the power of the bond that formed through our shared love and respect for her.
The moment where I found my summit sisters.

It’s by far the most unique relationship I have, but we’ll save that for another post.

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Endnote: I’ve been hesitant to share this because of how difficult it was for me to capture the moment through writing. I wanted to do it justice but not sound like I’m just being dramatic. For those who have been in similar situations, I hope you can understand the emotions behind this post. For those who don’t quite understand, I invite you to to venture outside and pursue a goal that pushes you beyond your comfort zone. It’s then when you’re completely vulnerable and in need of support of the people around you that you’ll start to get it. If you’d like to join an adeventure, I first came across WHOA through a meetup type group called Girls Who Hike LA (with many more chapters across the US). AND I will be leading two hikes next year to Machu Picchu through WHOA Travel in April and July. Feel free to reach out if you have questions!
https://www.whoatravel.com/peru-machu-picchu#breakdown

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