March 19, 2020
This past week has brought on stress like I never imagined. I seriously never thought that I’d be worrying about a pandemic, especially during a time when I’m about to bring my first child into this world. I remember SARS and Ebola and feeling that we’re safe here in the US. I didn’t think coronavirus would be any different. Even the times when my family was freaking out, I tried to downplay it because this is America. We have the best resources and technology. We can handle a virus. We’d be more prepared and safer than other countries, right?!?

Even working in healthcare, I’ve always felt safe. I disinfect my work station at the start of every shift. I sanitize my hands more often than necessary. I wash my hands before I touch my food. I disinfect my phone, stethoscope, pens, chapstick, etc before I finish a shift. I change out of my clothes and shower as soon as I get home. You name it. Every precaution I can take, I take. I take as much control over whether I contaminate myself or my home as possible. And because of that, I’ve always felt like I’d be okay even with MRSA, TB, noro or whatever weird stuff a patient has spewing out of them. I’ve never actually feared what I might encounter, (except maybe lice- that’s a whole different ball game…)

But now I realize this is different. People all around us are getting sick, or worse, they’re not. They’re not showing severe symptoms but spreading the virus to who knows how many more people. And those with underlying conditions (which is A LOT of people), a weakened immune system, or the elderly are dying. You’re fighting something that’s invisible and doesn’t show itself until you’ve already made it stronger. Covid-19 is now a global issue and it’s literally knocking on our doorstep. Do I feel safe? Do I feel protected?

No. Not at all. There’s little research and even less supplies to protect ourselves. I keep getting the same answers that pregnant women are not more susceptible to covid-19 than the general public. That’s great, but I’m more susceptible as a nurse, right? My immune system is weaker being pregnant, right? If I get this, I’m more likely to go into respiratory distress, right? Medications that would normally be used to treat me would probably be harmful for my baby, right? …so how is it safe for me to not only continue being in the general public, but also working as a nurse and caring for potential covid-19 patients?

I’ve heard countless times that there’s no proof that there’s a vertical transmission to the fetus. But how many studies are there? And what’s the sample size? From my research, I’ve found two studies with very minimal details. One study is of four women who gave birth to 4 babies who all tested negative for covid-19. One baby had breathing problems but recovered in a few days, and two had mild rashes. The other study had nine women who gave birth to 10 babies. Of the 10 babies, 9 survived, 6 had shortness of breath and 2 had a fever. All the babies tested were negative for covid-19. That doesn’t offer much reassurance at all though. The babies tested negative for covid-19, but 1 of the 14 babies didn’t survive and 7 of the 14 had breathing issues. There’s no data on how far along these women were in their pregnancies when they may have contracted the virus and this only takes into consideration 13 women in total.

On top of that, I have little confidence in being able to protect myself at work. If you look at the personal protective equipment worn by healthcare providers in China and Italy, they’re in full hazmat suits or PAPRs. According to CDC recommendations that hospitals are currently following, covid-19 is most likely spread through large droplets. This means that the only equipment we’re expected to wear is a gown, gloves and surgical mask. Despite being covered in full PPE in China and Italy, healthcare providers are still falling ill. On top of that, there’s a new study that says under certain conditions, droplets can become aerosolized and remain in the air, yet patients are still not under airborne precautions. A surgical mask will not protect anyone from the aerosolized droplets that still linger in the air an hour after suctioning a patient. The guidelines are constantly changing and extremely vague. 

Due to the shortage of surgical masks, we’re reusing poorly fitted N95 masks and expecting the side we breath from to stay clean as we take them in and out of a ziplock bag taped outside of patients’ doors. We’re sharing goggles amongst other nurses and disinfecting them between patients because we’re out of face shields. Oh and worst of all, if you can’t get your hands on either one, the CDC recommends using a scarf or bandana over your face. None of this would’ve been deemed safe prior to this highly contagious virus, yet it’s acceptable now because we’re desperate. How is that safe?

I am young and healthy, and honestly if I only had to worry about myself I’d probably be okay with all of this and take pride in being at the frontlines. That’s part of being a nurse. But I’ve been having trouble sleeping this past week because I’m constantly reminded of this little life developing inside me. Even though odds are in my favor, the constant what-ifs are nagging at me. I’m so close to her being fully developed and even if the risks are low, this is her entire life that I’m gambling with. I’m playing it safe as much as I can.

She’s not physically with us as of yet, but I think I already understand wanting to give the world to your child. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I want to give her as much of a healthy life as possible and also two healthy parents. One thing I also know for sure is that if I were to bring this virus home, it’s not only myself and my baby who will suffer, it’s Corey. He’s the worst asthmatic I’ve ever seen (even as a nurse), and we can both agree that if he were to get this virus, it will result in an ICU admission and ventilator. I’ve been there for 911 calls when his nebulizer stops working during allergy season or the hospital admission from a simple cold. Even now, a day without his preventative steroid inhaler means nebulizer treatments and increased work of breathing the next day. Corey and our little one are my everything. They’re all I have out here in CA and I can’t put them in harm’s way.

We’ve discussed isolating separately. We’ve discussed the worst case scenarios. Tension and emotions run high because it’s not an easy topic. I’ve felt a lot of guilt lately. Guilt that I’m using my pregnancy to stay out of work. Guilt for worrying my family if I do go to work. Guilt that I could be bringing this virus home. My OB couldn’t take me out of work because the CDC recommends pregnant women to follow the same guidelines as the general public and as a nurse that means I have to work. In fact my OB blatantly said that as healthcare providers ‘we should all expect to get this.’ I was told to just hope that I only have mild symptoms since I’m young and healthy. Ultimately, I decided to take a personal leave to allow me to isolate at home and bring me closer to when I can go on maternity leave. Deep down I know I’m doing what’s right for me and my family, but it’s hard to accept that when I see my coworkers going into shifts with the same fear for their families.

In an ideal world the hospitals would be fully equipped with negative isolation rooms, scrubs for nurses to change into, medical supplies and PPE. We would all practice hand hygiene at all the correct moments, and there would be no contamination. Nurses could go home and self isolate away from their families to protect them just as a precaution. And the general public would abide by shelter in place rules. If you did come down with symptoms, you would have easy access to a swab, quick results and most importantly, you’d be able to identify everyone you came in contact with within the past two weeks and list exactly where you were and when. Then those people would be notified and this thing would be contained. That’s so far from reality that it’s almost a joke at this point. 

I just want to say that it’s such a privilege to be able to be at home. I’m extremely thankful that my managers are supportive of my decision. I just hope that everyone else with this privilege takes advantage of it to not only protect themselves, but their loved ones, those in their communities and those who don’t have the option of being at home. I know isolating can be boring and depressing, but remember that there are people who don’t have a choice. They’re still working so that you can still have access to whatever normalcy that you have left, but they’re doing it in fear and putting their health and their family’s health on the line. So if you’re thankful for having access to healthcare, mail, grocery stores, sanitation, etc, limit your contact with other people as much as you can, so we can all get through this faster. Whether you realize it or not, our health is currently dependent on how responsible each and every person in society is, so please do your part and stay home.